Day +11- I Miss My Precious Little Angels!

Lying in bed in my little fishbowl, I look around at all the happy and colorful pictures made by my little artists at home.  It's been 14 long days now since I have been home with my kids.  I think what has gotten me through to this point, besides being heavily medicated and exhausted, is that I have not opened myself up to the emotions and pain of being away from my kids.  I have constantly redirected my thoughts and energy.  If I allow myself to go down the path of sadness and sorrow, I am afraid I won't be able to find my way back.  However, today I'm giving myself permission to not only feel the sadness, but to feel the immense joy and love every time I think of my kids.

Mitchell, or as I like to call him Mitchy, or just Mitch ( if his friends are around),  is the oldest kid in our family ( by 7 mins ).   He can also be the most mature and can be the most quiet at times.  As anyone that knows him will tell you, he is very easy going .   He has an absolute passion for the game of  baseball and I love to watch him play  .He reminds me a lot of myself when I was a kid.  He is very sensitive and if you just look at him the wrong way, his eyes will fill up with tears.  However, his sensitivities help him make friends easily and he often puts others before himself. He also sends me emails on a regular basis just to make sure that I know he is thinking of me.    In the past six months, my relationship with Mitchy has definitely gotten stronger.  He often would crawl into bed with Mike and I after having bad dreams and would tell me that they often involved bad things happening to me.  As a Mom, I can't tell you how hard it is to hear your child tell you that he is afraid you're going to die.  And how am I supposed to respond when the future is so uncertain?  However, I am so proud of him to have the courage to talk to me about it.  He called me the other day and he told me how he almost cried in class because he was thinking of me.  I just can't wait to get home and give him a big reassuring hug.

Cameron, or as like to call him, Mr. C or Cam.  Cam may be 7 minutes younger than his brother, but, he was ready to rule the world coming out of the womb.  I would bet any amount of money that Cam would be described by most as the most "inquisitive" kid they have ever met.  Oftentimes, "Excuse Me" is followed by endless questions upon questions about almost anything.  Thank God for google, as I no longer have the answers.  He is also the most excitable and energetic of all our kids.  Usually he is the first up and is often my only partner for morning coffee at 5:30 and of course, he is the last one to shut his light off at night (unless we shut it off for him and remove the book that is plastered on his face ).  I never thought I'd say this, but it's been very quiet in the fishbowl and I miss the questions.  I have derived a lot of strength in the past six months from Cam.  He would often give me big reassuring hugs and would tell me that everything would be OK,and that chemo is better than dying.  But those were the only signs of any emotion he has shown.  However, I am thankful that in the last couple of months, with the help of people like his teacher Mr. Putnam, Cam has been able to express and share his feelings through ways such as poetry (see his poem in my previous post) and other things such as wearing a red ribbon for cancer awareness. One of the big memories I will forever have is the night of the Buzz party when Cam shaved his head with me. Though I can't believe I am saying this, I dream of my first morning at home with a cup of coffee in my hand and Cam by my side asking me endless questions.

 Sarah or "Bear" as we love to call her is next.  She is the oldest daughter by 1 minute.  She is also the most sensitive and often dramatic one of the bunch.   I like to describe her as a very highly sensitive little girl who is not afraid of showing her emotions.   She is not a morning person, so we all tend to be extra cautious those first precious moments in the morning, for they can really set the tone for the day!  On a more positive note she is definitely the most cuddly huggable one in our family.  For the past six months she has been attached to my hip. She knows me so well.  She tells me she knows when I am about to cry because she can see her reflection in my eyes.   She is first to grab a tissue and wipe my tears.  She writes me daily little notes of how much she loves me.  I am staring at a beautiful picture she made.  On one side is a happy mommy with yellow hair and big smile.   On the other side is a picture of mommy with a bald head with tears and a sad face.  She has always been so intuned with how I feel.  On the night of the buzz party, she never left my side.  She rubbed my back and held my hand most of the night.  And the morning after, she kept removing my bandanna and rubbing my head and telling me how beautiful I was.  Like Mitch, she often was in bed with us in the morning.  She also has had many bad dreams about mommy dying and how sad she was. But everyday I have been in the hospital her voice is always positive.  And she ends each conversation telling me she is sending me big hugs and kisses.  I can't wait to have a big Sarah Bear Hug when I get home.

Emily of Mon Ami as Mikey likes to call her is our youngest.  She is my "little me".  She looks just like I did at her age.   She is our "Flower Child".  She wakes up every morning, hair perfectly groomed with a big smile on her face.  She is always in a bubbly happy mood.  She dances through life and her motto is "keep those rainbows in your head".  She is so easy going and is so patient especially with her sister. She loves school and wearing dresses, playing soccer and dancing and butterflies.  She loves just about everything in life.  Her favorites are turtles and rainbows.  My walls in my fishbowl are covered with turtle and rainbow pictures.  In the past six months she has not showed much emotion.  She just gives me big hugs and kisses and tells me to keep those rainbows in my head. So sweet!   She doesn't like looking at my bald head too much.  She tells me I am beautiful and then covers my head up quickly.  Emily does have a passion for reading.  Often times I would go into her bedroom to turn off her light and tuck her in,  I find her nose in a book titled "My Mother Has Cancer".   I know deep down she is worried but she doesn't allow her head to come out of the clouds or rainbows. I love my little Mon Ami and can't wait to give her a big hug!

My kids have certainly been my strength during the last six months.  Telling them I have cancer was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  The boys being 10 had a little more understanding of how scary that word is.  The first thing that came to their mind was, " is mommy gong to die?"  The girls on the other hand just understood that I was sick and going to lose my hair.  I don't think they truly had a grasp of what it was all about.  My children have seen my husband and I cry more than they should have to in a lifetime.  Although we have tried to remain strong for them, they know that mommy and daddy are scared.    Although it pains me so much to think of all that they have to endure at such a young age, I amazed at how resilient they are.  They have gone through the last months with so much courage and grace.  I am truly blessed and proud to be their Mom and I couldn't be more in love!
 
Love Always,
Mitch, Cam, Sarah, and Emily's Mom