I cannot believe how many times I have wanted to sit behind my laptop and write. This blog began for me as a great way to share with friends and family on my progress, to reach out to those affected by Myeloma, and lastly if I am being completely honest, a free source of therapy for me. Yet time and time again I seem to find excuses for not writing. Some days while at the lake with my kids or while I am out watering my garden, thoughts and sometimes entire blog posts will enter my mind . Yet, I never take the time to write or type them. So lately I've questioned myself why I stopped. And I guess it's because writing for me has always been about being honest and open. And lately, that is becoming more and more difficult to do.
It easier to get up each day, and stay busy entertaining the kids, running errands, trying to keep up with the garden and lawn (which is pretty pathetic now thanks to the lack of rain), keeping up with my recent obsession with Pinterest and my new found love for restoring furniture, choosing new paint colors for every room in my house, and whatever else I keep my mind busy doing, than it is to stop and reflect about what is really going on with me.
I feel like lately I am stuck in a temporary in-between stage. Although I am considered "in remission", I am still on a maintenance regimen consisting of Revlimid and Dexamethasone 3 weeks out of every month, and I have monthly infusions, My hair is slowly growing out ( I can actually make a tiny ponytail), and I have regained some of the loss muscle and weight back. To most people I must look healthy and like life is back to normal. In fact, most people no longer ask how I am doing. Maybe they are afraid to ask, or just assume that is everything is fine. Honestly, it feels good to no longer receive the gloom and sad looks I was used to receiving a couple years ago as a sick cancer patient and mother of four young children.
So what's the problem? I know right? That is what I keep asking myself. Well, for those of us who read up on Myeloma daily, we know that this disease is still incurable. That it really does not go truly in remission. Up until a few years ago a 3 year life expectancy was the best one would have. Fortunately with Revimid patients are living longer. The goal is to keep it at bay for as long as possible with the hopes that when I do relapse, my body will respond to the therapy. And if it doesn't, hopefully a new treatment is available. Ultimately, however the Myeloma usually wins the battle. Daily, I Google Myeloma and read up on every little piece of new news that is published. Of course what also pops up are far too many obituaries of Myeloma patients who have lost their battle. I follow many blogs from Myeloma bloggers and although many of their stories inspire me, there are also several that write about their struggles with relapsing.
Although I try not to think about if and when I relapse, it of course enters my mind often especially during the late hours of the night. So although I am so very blessed to be "in remission", it is challenging at times knowing I have a ticking time bomb inside.
Running used to help me through some of those challenging moments. I felt strong running, almost invincible. Crossing the finish line at The Boston Marathon was so powerful. I had so many doubts in my mind, even putting aside the extreme of that heat that day. For well over 6 or 7 months I have watch my endurance decrease. My body screams at me when I have passed the threshold. Whether it is the long term effects from being on Revlimid or perhaps the disease itself, the bottom line, my body has changed. Lately I haven't even had the desire to get out there and run, let alone hit the gym. I know the endorphins I get from exercise help, and that my body needs to stay strong, so why aren't I out there doing it? At the same time, Mike is training for his first marathon this fall. This should also motivate me. But no. I am crazy proud of him, but I really don't feel the need or desire to join him. What the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes I feel like the days pass and I can't feel passionate about much. Also as I mentioned, my energy has been pretty low as well. I know that a lot of that is side effects of the Revlimid and the lack of sleep due to the steroid and just being a busy mom. But I was desperate for some change.
A couple of months ago I talked with Dr. H about slowly coming off my anti-depressant. I had been on a couple different drugs since my diagnosis. I ended up staying on Effexor which also has an added benefit of helping out with the hot flashes from being put in menapause. But the past few months I realized more and more that I was beginning to feel like I was going through the motions in life. I don't ever really feel like I can be really happy or sad for that matter. Also my energy has felt like it has been zapped. So after reading up on all the different side effects of Effexor, I thought I would try coming off of it and see if I felt any different,
Well the first week pretty much sucked. My head was in a constant cloud. I had dizzy spells and felt like my brain was buzzing. I had a new found respect for anyone going through drug withdrawals. Day after day I waited for that to subside. It finally did after about 5 days. Then it was the tears. Once the floodgates were opened they just wouldn't stop. This was right around the same time of Marty's ride that I previously posted. It was such an inspirational day. It was a day full of emotion. When we got home that night from Maine, my son Mitch knocked at my bedroom door. He just looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me he was really sad. He said to me "I guess you are one of the few lucky ones who is living". Gulp! Yup, you try looking in your 11 year old son's eyes and come up with a quick response to that one. I just held him and cried and said "Yes I am".
Mike and I were up late that evening on the patio. Basically him trying to console me. As always he stayed strong and tried to pick up all the pieces to put me back together again.
From that teary moment there came many many more. In fact, I couldn't hide the tears from the kids. It reminded me so much of those first few weeks after I was diagnosed. One look at the kids and my eyes filled up. Wow maybe I really didn't need to be thrown into reality? Maybe it was good to be numb. Well after a few days of tears, I turned into bitchy mom who had no grip on life. My poor kids and Mike. I didn't even get like this when I was on the higher doses of Dex a couple of years ago.
To top it off we were heading to Maine to spend a week with our closest friends and their kids. There was going to be a total of 28 of us vacationing together for a week (divided in 4 homes). Although we vacationed together last year and had a blast, the thought of it sent me in complete panic mode. I have been isolating myself, avoiding big social scenes. I couldn't handle myself, let along 28 people .
I so much wanted to stay home and just send Mike with the kids. But deep down inside I told myself that I needed to go. What would happen if next year I was sick again and couldn't go? I knew how important it was to Mike and the kids. I couldn't let them down. I struggled for a couple of days, and then resorted to calling my doctor and getting back on my anti-depressant. We went to Maine and had a great week. The kids had a blast and I did have fun, especially on those fast tube rides. When I became too overwhelmed I would just tell everyone that I was tired and went to bed early. I am happy I decided to go, I wished that I could have enjoyed myself even more. I guess I did the best I could do.
Last week when I was in for my monthly infusion I sat with Dr. H and the nurses and opened up to them. They are so used to me coming in and seeing happy Jeanie telling them that everything was fine. Well that day they got an ear full. My favorite nurse Leslie held my hand, as her eyes filled with tears and told me that she expected this to happen. She went on to say that some cancer patients go to therapy when they are first diagnosed and work on the mental stuff as well as undergo all their treatment. Others like me, dive into beating down cancer with all of the chemo treatment and then expel their other energy keeping everything else in their life (ie: kids, house, marriage flowing). So now comes the mental baggage with being a cancer patient with an incurable cancer.
I had tried therapy when I was first diagnosed, but it really didn't do much for me. I am not sure if the therapist was the right fit or what. Or maybe it just wasn't my time. I don't view therapy as a sign of weakness. In fact, I find it to be a sign of strength. I know I can't carry on keeping myself busy, trying to avoid at all costs any down time. For me, the only down time I allow myself is at night. And I know how well that goes for me. Not! Hence the insomnia and my nightly dose of Ativan.
So in two days it will be my 42nd birthday. Cheers to me. A couple of years ago I never thought I would be here today. I have decided to give myself the gift of me. That means the good, the bad and the ugly. It is time for me to finally do the dirty work of digging deep and facing my fears. This time around, it is not training to complete a marathon, but rather, explore all the hidden crap of fear, sadness and anger. I am so so tired of this in-between life. For those of you who know me, but don't want to ask me how I'm doing. Now you know. Not so great. I struggle with this "new life" of being a survivor everyday. So please forgive me for putting up a wall around me and not staying in touch. I miss being engaged in life socially, trust me. But I guess until you walked in my shoes, you really don't know. There is no manual on how to get to try to get back that life you once had. I know that cancer will always be a part of me. I didn't ask for it, but it's here. I don't want it to define me, or limit me, more than it has to. It has sucked way too much out of me physically and emotionally and it is really starting to annoy me.
So stay tuned. I'm hoping to start shedding a little more light in my life.
For all my Myeloma friends, I usually I take my Revlimid and Dex in the morning. I held off and took them tonight. I'm hoping this means I'll be be able to actually get some sleep. We shall see!