My Caring Bridge site has been such an incredible means for me the last few months with all of you, regarding my Multiple Myeloma diagnosis.  Your outpouring of love, support, and incredible words have meant the world to me.  You have given me so strength during the most difficult time of my life.  I have decided to take on the Blog world!  I have never been that technical when it comes to the cyber world, but I figure what the heck, time to reach out and take some chances!  I hope you enjoy my blog.  My intent it is to share with you my story in the most honest way that I can.


Since June 3, 2010 my life has forever changed.  My life was turned upside down and all around when I received that dreadful call.  That was the day I became a cancer patient.  Up until that day, I was a 39 year old loving wife and proud mom to 4 beautiful children.  My life was like many of yours enjoying my amazing family, friends, and the joys of life.   Being athletic was my other passion.  My kids were so proud of their strong mommy with big muscles!  My husband Mike always joked that I will outlive him because I was so healthy.  Yet although I lived a healthy lifestyle and was probably in the best shape of my life,  cancer chose me.  Cancer decided to invade my body.  Not just any cancer, but an incurable blood cancer, Multiple Myeloma.  This cancer begins at the Plasma Cells and then attacks your bone marrow and ultimately your organs.  Kind of ironic how life is sometimes.  This type of cancer chose me.  A woman who worked so hard to stay healthy and fit.  I was never a smoker, I didn't do drugs.  I eat a healthy diet.   Ok I like my wine and enjoyed some crazy nights in college and in my twenties, but seriously, me have cancer?  


I often wonder, when did my biology change?  When did that one little cancer cell appear in my body and decide to multiply?  Was it during my shy awkward years in middle school?  Or maybe the summer before my freshman year in college?   Or was it during my year abroad in Spain?  Or maybe it wasn't until Mike and I moved to San Diego?  Of after my children were born?  Or was it actually just this past year?  I will never know.  And it really doesn't change much.  I have the "C" word and it SUCKS!  But now that I have it, there is only one thing to do..........BEAT IT!!!!!


Today, I just completed my 5th cycle of Velcade and Dexamethesone.   Last Thursday, I went down to Dana Farber for a whole day of tests.  During my eight hours, they collected over 22 tubes of blood, took 17 x-rays, did an EKG, a Pulmonary function test, an RVG Scan, and a Vein check.  I also signed every waiver imaginable.  Provided nothing comes back negative, I am 10 days away from my mobilization phase of the Stem Cell Transplant.  Next Thursday I am scheduled to begin a high dose chemotherapy treatment called Cytoxin.  This is the BIG STUFF!  The stuff that wipes everything out, good and bad.  Yup that means I'm losing my hair!  I can't believe how time stood still for me for so long and now it just seems to be slipping away so fast.  Since I have been diagnosed I have read everything I can regarding the Stem Cell Transplant and no matter how prepared I am I find myself unable to close my eyes and sleep.  This is really happening!


Today was a very busy day.  Mike got up at 3AM and had to catch a flight.  After I got the kids off to school,  and took my morning walk with dog Flower, it was time for me to get to chemo.  Today was the first time I ever went by myself.  I have been so blessed to have my husband, family and best friends to accompany me on my days of treatment.  Sometimes we get so caught up with conversation and laughter I forget why I was even there.  But today, I chose to go alone.  It gave me a great opportunity for some quiet "me" time .  I of course did Jeanie type A things like add to my growing list of things I need and want to do before my transplant.  But I also had time to reflect and check in with myself.  I had my favorite Chemo nurse Leslie who always makes me smile and has a special way to ease my anxiety.  Not only has she been a nurse for over 30 years, but her daughter also went through a Stem Cell Transplant a year and a  half ago.  I am grateful I have Leslie in my life.  It gifts like her, that help strengthen my faith and I truly believe people come into our lives for a purpose. 


After treatment I had to run some errands and then it was time to get the kids off the bus and drive them to piano and theater.  After that, it was homework, dinner and then some snuggle time with them on the couch.  It had been a very busy day and I was exhausted.  When it was time to tuck them all in, my emotions got the best of me and I lost it.  All I could do was cry.  My son Cam kept asking me to please stop.  Sarah ran and got the tissues.  Emily rubbed my back, and Mitch held my hand.  I tried to fight the tears, I really did.  But I couldn't.  I am scared and I know my kids know that.  All Cam kept saying was "Mom there is no need to cry.  You know the chemo is working!"  He is so strong for a 10 year old boy, it  scares me.  He doesn't allow himself to feel sad.  On the other hand, Mitchell's eyes filled with tears and the girls just got concerned.  They saw me break.  They know I am scared.  And now I needed to say something that would ease there minds so that they could fall asleep.  After a few moments.  I was able to get some words out.  I told them that they have been my strength.  They bring me so much so much happiness in my life and I couldn't be more in love and more proud of them.  I also told them that mommy was tired and needed to rest.  Because although their love has helped me so much, and the chemo, I need rest to keep my strength.  I want to fight this with all my power so that I don't need to go to doctors everyday and I can do what I love best, being their mom.  


As I write this, the house is silent. The kids are all fast asleep, as well as Flower.  This is time of day that is the hardest.  Nights seem to go by so slowly.  I could stay up all night, but I know that won't make for a very good morning trying to get the kids off to school.  So I am going to have a glass of water, along with an Ativan, listen to some relaxing music and hope for the best.  Tomorrow is another day and I want to enjoy it!  


Sleep well. 
Jeanie
xo