Just Let Go!

Emily and Uncle Rob!

My brother Rob came and spent the day with us yesterday!  Emily just adores him.  Isn't he handsome?   I just had to post these photos they make me smile!  You see my brother Rob is the ultimate fun loving uncle who just loves to play with his nieces and nephews.  My kids literally beam when they are around him.  Rob is like a big kid trapped in a man's body.  He will do anything with my kids.  Even if that means humiliating himself in the process! 

  I have spent the  past few days preparing for hibernation.  That is really I how I can best describe it.  I feel like the mother bear gathering the food and necessary survival supplies for hibernation with her cubs.  The kids are fully equipped with boots, snowpants, hats, gloves, winter coats and warm comforters for their beds.  We could have a blizzard and lose power and the Dreyer family would be ready!  I have made checklist upon checklist for my kids, Mike, grandparents.  Every free moment while the kids are in school I fill preparing.  I think in some way it has been my coping mechanism.  Spend every waking moment focusing my energy on preparing and controlling what I can, so that I don't have to spend time sitting and thinking about what I can't control. 

Well yesterday I spent the day with my brother Rob.  He was exactly what I needed.  After an emergency run to the Elementary School to pick up Emily after a fall from the monkey bars (she is fine!),  Emily and I picked up Rob and went out for lunch.  After that Rob helped me pull out all the Halloween decorations and we transformed my house to Spookyville!  It looks incredible!  After that, we did crafts with Emily and then decorated cookies with all the kids after school.  Fun, Fun, Fun is what we had the whole day!  The lists and daily strict regimen of homework right after school was replaced with running around in costumes, eating lots of sugar and giggles.  

Once the sugar really kicked in the kids went out to play a soccer game with the neighbors.  Rob and I got to hang out and talk.  He shared with me how much his life has been changed since my diagnosis. Rob and I have for the most part always been close.  But in the last year we have had some challenges and chose to spend some time apart for a while.  We were reunited after my diagnosis.  Up until yesterday, Rob was still carrying guilt from the past.  I shared with him that the one thing that I have learned from the past few months is that those negative feelings of "would have, should have" really get you no where.  I do live today how I want to live and try not to worry too much about yesterday.  I am definitely still struggling with not looking too far into the future.  But the past I am able to let go of.  

Forgiveness is so hard especially when it comes to forgiving yourself.  But once you do, living is so much better!  I have always carried my Irish guilt for anything and everything in life.  It is not like I ever did anything that profound in my life to feel such guilt.  But knowing I may have hurt someone or disappointed someone would leave me feeling so much pain.  So yesterday, the gates opened and the guilt was released.  Rob and I in that moment were back to where we were 8 months ago.  He is a loving brother and uncle and I am so fortunate to have him in my life!  

 Today, I go back to my reality of checking off the to do lists and getting my family prepared for the next few months .   Tonight I am spending the night going out with my girlfriends for a fun night out.  I know that one week from today I will need to let a lot just go and my focus will need to change to me and my recovery.    This will be my biggest challenge yet!

 Thank you for all your continuing love, support and prayers.  

Jeanie

xo