Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

Don't cry over spilled milk!  Isn't that what we have always been taught?  Well that is exactly what I did last night.  We were having dinner at around 7 last night.  It is later than I like to have it, but Mondays are our our busy days.  Mike is away on business.  So after running around for 4 hours after the kids got home bringing them to piano and theater class, I helped them with their homework and then whipped something quick for dinner.   As the kids were rushing around helping me set the table, Sarah volunteered to pour the milk.  Well someone banged into her arm and before I knew it the gallon milk was spilling all over the floor.  At that moment I literally lost it!  I fell to the floor and cried my eyes out.  Sarah ran upstairs crying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" and the other kids ran to get paper towels to help clean the mess.  All I could do was cry.

What had just happened?  Was I really having a complete meltdown over some silly milk spilling?  No of course not.  I am slowly resigning to the fact that it is fast approaching the time that I have dreaded for the last 4 months.  I feel healthy, I feel normal finally once again.  Why do I need to go through all this stuff?  Why does life need to be disrupted?  Why do I need to be ripped away from my family and be stuck in a hospital for the next few weeks feeling sick and weak?

I know that the cancer is not gone and that I am still sick.  I've done the research and I know that the chemo followed by the Stem Cell Transplant is the recommended treatment to hopefully put in remission and keep me there for a little while,  I need this to buy me more time.  More time with my incredible children who need their mommy.  More time with my husband, family and friends.  Just suck it up Jeanie and do needs to be done. Easier said than done.  Reality is crashing down hard.  I have never been so frightened in my life.  I feel so lonely and scared and I am not even in the hospital yet.  I can't look at my kids in the eyes or give them a hug without breaking down in tears.

As I watched the kids hop on the bus today and blow me kisses from the windows all I could think was "Why?  Why is this happening to our family".  I need to be here for them.  They need me and I need them.  They are only 10 and 7!  I am so sad that they need to go through this.  I try to talk positive to them and reassure them, but they know I'm scared.  How can they not?  Mommy can't even look at them without crying.

I have 2 days before my big chemo treatment.  I know my energy will be slowing down and my focus will need to be redirected to me.  What to do for the next couple of days?  Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a hard time sitting still.  Who knows what Mike will come home to tomorrow.  Heck the house could be decorated for Christmas!  Actually this morning I  framing some photos to bring to the hospital so that I can be surrounded by my kids.  Also, Mike surprised me over the weekend and bought me a beautiful laptop to have in the hospital.  Yeah!  I will have contact with the outside world while in my "bubble" in the hospital.

Today, I am meeting some friends to go shopping for some head wraps and hats and maybe will try on some fun wigs!  I am sure we will have lots of laughs, just what I need right now!  Hopefully I can try to forget the spilt milk from last night and enjoy the fun moments of today.

Love you all for your continuing love, support and prayers.
Jeanie

2 comments:

  1. Stay positive and strong. I know that you can beat this. Love you!!!!

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  2. Dear Jean,

    I am so glad you had a great time with such amazing friends today. It is heartbreaking for me to not be there with you but please know you are in my mind as well as my heart of every second of every day and whenever you want to just talk, scream or cry, please know I will be there for you at anytime day or night. I know you are scared but I am confident in my heart and soul you will beat this. I love you so much!!

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